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06/20/2005: "Go Smarty Jones!"
At the casino in the Bahamas, they had a horse racing game that played about every two minutes. You put in a quarter and bet on a horse from 1 to 6, and the mechanical horses would run, usually according to their odds. It was a fun way to pass some time if you'd been taking a beating at blackjack.
Caroline and I particularly enjoyed the #5 horse on the game, whose legs didn't work, so it looked like a stationary horse just cruising around on its wheels. And every horse we bet on was dubbed Smarty Jones. So, a typical race would consist of us sitting there, saying, "Go Smarty Jones! Go Smarty Jones! GO SMARTY JONES! Stupid Smarty Jones..."
I also won $40 on the Belmont thanks to Afleet Alex, who I also called Smarty Jones as he went around the track. And for the last week, I've had a good time playing the ponies, thanks to a bar in my neighborhood called Astoria Downs which features tasty sandwiches and betting windows. Put in a couple of bucks and hope to win your lunch tab's worth back. It's fun.
On Saturday, I hit the Pick 4 at Belmont, putting me on the plus side in my little endeavor. But since I recognize that this could be a dangerous game, especially knowing my addictive personality, I'm wrapping it up today, playing my picks against those of the Daily Racing Form for all nine races at Calder Race Course in Florida -- an $18 investment on my part. They'll be on TV at my house on the OTB Channel (I love cable) and I'll provide running commentary here throughout the day. Just do the "Click for more" thing every so often, refresh the page, and there should be something new every so often.
Go Smarty Jones!
Update, 12:57 PM
Race 1
My Pick: 1 - Timothy Mac
Racing Form: 1 - Timothy Mac
Well, thanks to fake TiVo, I got to see what I believe is my only agreement today with the Racing Form. I was in the shower after being at the gym, and when I turned on the race, I saw that it was a sloppy track at Calder. I'm not sure what that means, but I hope my horses today are good mudders.
As it turns out, Timothy Mac is not so great. He got an OK break out of the gate, but the favorite, a horse we'll call "Bastard Number 3" was in command from start to finish. Maybe there's not much difference on a sloppy track. I have no idea. And that's why I'm not going to turn betting on the horses into a habit.
I sort of hope that today helps make up for the fact that I've been lax in writing for the site lately. One thing that means is that I have some observations to throw out there... like this... when I titled Saturday's entry "Wish I Was There," I immediately thought of the Natalie Imbruglia song "Wishing I Was There," and the accompanying video, which was in black and white and featured her dancing around in a sweater vest that I, as a just graduated high schooler, thought was about the hottest thing going. I wondered briefly to myself why Natalie Imbruglia didn't have a bigger career in music -- she was cute, had some talent for pop and a couple of big hits out of the box. Then I realized that it was pretty much all the fault of Britney and Christina. And seeing what we got out of those two over the subsequent five-year stretch, it's tough to complain. Still, I wonder if Natalie, last seen in America doing make-up commercials, regrets not slutting it up.
Update, 1:08 PM
There are three guys on the OTB Channel sitting in a studio. One of them is Dave Johnson, the famous track announcer -- I'm pretty sure he's the guy I grew up listening to on the Triple Crown, yelling "AND DOWN THE STRETCH THEY COME!". Then there's an old man in a baseball cap and someone called "The Maven." They're talking about Queen Elizabeth's affinity for horse racing. And the fact that British people bet on what color hat she'll wear to the Royal Ascot festival, including an anecdote about one time when she wore a brown hat, and it paid off at 4-5 odds.
Update, 1:20 PM
Race 2
My Pick: 9 - On The Bridle
Racing Form: 6 - Sand Man
And, once again, we're both losers. The winner is called "Been Patient." Good point. I may have to be patient with this. I'm not going to flip out over an 0-for-2 start. I was excited when Sand Man faded and On The Bridle was up to third, closing on the lead, but my horse also ran out of gas. Two of the three OTB guys picked Been Patient, Dave and The Maven. The old man with the classy baseball hat is called Joe. I think they may have pulled him out of an OTB to be a guyest analyst for the day.
A horse called Holdmedaddy just won the third race at Philadelphia Park. Shouldn't that horse have run yesterday?
Update, 1:27 PM
A sign at Philadelphia Park reads "TIME 1:27 O' DAY."
Also, when The Maven applies for a job, is that what he puts on his resume? The Maven?
Update, 1:43 PM
All three OTB Channel guys like the Racing Form's pick, Mystery Mountain. But it's pouring at Calder, really pouring. So maybe my horse, Trigger Fish Lane, will be able to (ahem) swim to victory here.
Update, 1:47 PM
Race 3
My Pick: 2 - Trigger Fish Lane
Racing Form: 6 - Mystery Mountain
Trigger Fish Lane didn't exactly (ahem again) go belly up, but it was a pretty easy win for Mystery Mountain. My horse finished third, but I didn't pick it to show... I picked it to win. No wins, and a third of the way done.
Update, 2:01 PM
Lunch today: slices of ham wrapped around carrot sticks. All of this is thanks to FreshDirect. Since the supermarkets in my neighborhood kind of stink, I order groceries off the Internet. It's absolutely fantastic, with the best part being that I don't have to figure out what produce is good, or fiddle with those stupid produce bags. I do miss pushing the grocery cart around the store, seeing something that looks good and deciding to get it, but I guess there are certain tradeoffs.
The post parade is on at Calder. I don't envy the jockeys today, especially if they're in a bunch of races and have to change into different sets of silks all day long. It looks absolutely miserable there. I'm rooting for some fog to roll in and the races to be run in invisible conditions. I wish I had a tape of that one race where the guy is just calling it for two minutes going, "And your guess is as good as mine as they get to the quarter pole!" Actually, if the rain picks up a little more, it might get to be that way without the fog.
Update, 2:11 PM
Race 4
My Pick: 2 - Tonality
Racing Form: 2 - Tonality
OK, I was wrong, we agreed again. And if the race was a little longer, Tonality might have paid off. But the horse broke slowly, and even though Tonality was running best at the end, it wasn't enough to catch Good O Bunny.
How do they name these horses, anyway?
Update, 2:23 PM
The Maven is picking a lot of winners today. That makes it much harder to make fun of him. Especially when I'm 0-for-4.
Update, 2:40 PM
Race 5
My Pick: 4 - Bird of Paradise
Racing Form: 8 - Bianconi's Boy
Pretty much a repeat of the last race... my horse going to the back of the pack early, then charging up and running out of gas at the end to let some other schmo horse hang on. In this case, it was Absolut Afleet, the horse I should have bet on anyway for its name. Between Calder and Philadelphia, Dave tells us that The Maven has now picked eight winners in 11 races. The Maven, by the way, looks like the love child of Yankees broadcasters John Sterling and Michael Kay. There is nothing I like about this guy right now. At least I can wallow with the Racing Form, which only has one win in four races at Calder to my zero. I can still catch up here.
Update, 2:49 PM
My tormentor, The Maven, has left the building. I guess his shift is over. Dave bid the audience a fond farewell, and now we have Anthony Stabile leading the way with a little guy named Kenny and another guy who looks like Chuck Daly's degenerate brother. Stabile used to work at the New York Post, and I've heard about him from some of my coworkers at the News who used to work with him across town. Stabile, a gigantic guy, is telling us about Delaware Park, which canceled racing today for some reason. All I can think is that having Stabile next to Tiny Kenny is not the best way to line up the studio. They only serve to accentuate each other's ridiculous sizes. There's kind of a Laurel and Hardy thing going on there, and I'm trying to figure out how OTB Chuck Daly fits into it.
Update, 3:06 PM
Race 6
My Pick: 10 - Lost Question
Racing Form: 10 - Lost Question
I never even saw my horse in this race. Perhaps that's because I figured out where OTB Chuck Daly fits in. He used the word "fugazy" to describe a horse, then I'm pretty sure he referred to another horse with another F-Word. I wasn't mortified or anything, just kind of surprised at the venom.
Three races to go. I'd like to get one win here.
Update, 3:11 PM
When Stabile, Tiny Kenny and OTB Chuck Daly aren't talking, Channel 71 plays quasi-classical music over the pictures from the racetracks.
Stabile endorses a restaurant. Let's just say that when I referred to him as gigantic before, I didn't just mean his height next to Tiny Kenny, so his restuarant picks might be even better than his horse picks. I'd certainly trust him over Lindsay Lohan.
Speaking of Lindsay Lohan, I think she's trying to look like Paris Hilton, which is a shame. Couldn't she just have decided to act like Paris Hilton? Co-starred in a Carl's Jr. commercial? That would have been better than turning herself into a skeleton.
The quasi-classical music has now been phased out in favor of a weird dance mix. This OTB Channel is weird, perhaps the understatement of the day.
Update, 3:26 PM
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are about two steps away from having the same deranged look in their eyes as that Runaway Bride character. This is not a commentary on Scientology, just an observation that without even listening to what they're saying, both of them look like they're absolutely out of their minds. The pictures of them are creepy.
Update, 3:30 PM
Race 7
My Pick: 3 - Stormy World
Racing Form: 7 - Love Is The Answer
Ugh. Stormy World had the lead at the start, but never looked like holding onto it. Indeed, it was a big fade. 0-for-7. I'm going to go ahead and blame the mud. Still one win behind the Racing Form, though.
Update, 3:33 PM
I think I should just take this opportunity to say: Stupid Smarty Jones.
Update, 3:57 PM
Race 8
My Pick: 4 - Grand Magician
Racing Form: 1 - In Summation
In summation, I've been crap at picking these horses today. The Racing Form hasn't been so good, either, but I guess it knows why a 3-5 favorite is a 3-5 favorite. In Summation ran away with it from the very smart, mud or no mud. Laurel, Hardy and OTB Chuck Daly were very impressed.
I wish they'd show more races from more tracks and do a little less interspersed yapping.
Now they're talking about Alex Rodriguez. Says Tiny Kenny, at least, I believe it's Tiny Kenny: "He leads the league in homers and RBIs, but every time I watch him, he strikes out." Might be the best analysis I've heard all day, not to say that these guys don't know their horse racing, but how come I have to go to Channel 71 to get someone on TV taking a shot at A-Rod?
OK, now Tiny Kenny is ripping the Daily Racing Form for ripping OTB over the weekend. I'm glad I've decided that this won't become a habit. Horse racing people, like people involved with all the fringe sports in America, are very protective of their sports and take any criticism of the system as someone deriding their sport. I don't think the Daily Racing Form is in the business of trying to tear down the horse racing industry. That wouldn't be such a great business model.
Update, 4:10 PM
Stabile just referred to someone as a "whale." These three guys have now gone on for 10 minutes about this Racing Form article. Where's the quasi-classical music and weirdo dance mix?
Update, 4:18 PM
It hasn't stopped raining at Calder. Or on my parade of losers. One more chance. Maybe I can come up like Robert Horry in this last race. What a shot that was last night, although it still didn't redeem a terrible, terrible NBA Finals. What an unwatchable league.
Update, 4:23 PM
Race 9
My Pick: 2 - Tuff Alley
Racing Form: 4 - Jacob J
Ha ha! Yay Smarty Jones! Tuff Alley popped right out of the gate, went to the front and led all the way. So now I can go to the OTB near work and collect some cash, $5.60 to be exact. Whoo! I still lost to the Racing Form, but winning that last race feels good, and a nice capper to my brief infatuation with the ponies.
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