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12/22/2004: "Illustrated Story"
I think the title is pretty self-explanatory. I wrote a fictional story to go along with the following pictures. Enjoy!
(PS: If you hold your mouse over the photos, you can see what they really are.)
I had three sons. They were all albinos, all greedy and ill-mannered in various ways. One was rude, always sticking his tongue out. One was a devious midget who was always plotting things. The other one just creeped me out with his dead eyes.
I knew they were out to get me, so I hired Spongebob Squarepants to throw poison darts at them.
Only before Spongebob could do my dirty work, I ran over my oldest son. Fortunately, my groceries were unharmed. But I didn't know what to do with a body -- that's why I'd hired a cartoon hitman. So I packed my son's lifeless body into the trunk of my roadster and wondered what to do.
I had heard about the Mafia dumping bodies in the river, but when I got there, I saw a boat. Too many witnesses.
There was also the possibility of dropping the body in the forest, but I was in the city... and there wasn't enough pine smell in the world to cover the stench a soon-to-be-rotting carcass as I drove past the toll booths on the Thruway.
I remembered that the old swimmin' hole was closed for the winter. I could put the body there, try to make it look like a suicide.
But I didn't know what I was doing. I knew that it wouldn't be long before the police were on to me.
I needed to get out of Dodge, quick!
I caught the first train I could.
Nobody seemed to suspect a thing. I was going to make it!
The perfect crime... even though I had guilt written all over me, blood on my soul, I had done it, and life was good.
But Spongebob had ratted me out to the cops. They'd been trailing me all day. An undercover agent on the train grabbed me and brought me downtown.
Now, in my well-decorated cell, where I waste away night after night on a life sentence, I'm haunted by the ghost of the previous tenant. Lord only knows what her crimes were, but the wraith is better company than my own guilt over what I'd done.
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