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12/10/2004: "Rainy Day Umbrellas #12 & 35"
It was raining last night, so when I wanted to go to the deli for a cookie and soda around 11:00, I brought my umbrella.
It seemed like a decent umbrella. When I bought it on Monday night, I estimated that it would get me through eight storms before its destruction by wind or loss by me.
Instead, there was a new wrinkle in my lifelong struggle with umbrellas.
I clicked the button for the automatic opening feature, and then heard various metal snapping sounds, followed by fabric crumbling up on itself.
Still, I took the umbrella to the deli, holding it open to keep myself at least sort of dry, then took it back, then planned to take it to Duane Reade (where I bought it on Monday night) and throw it out in the garbage can there. Then I would buy another, almost identical, seven-dollar umbrella.
Before I did that, though, I noticed that there was a warranty card attached to one of the spokes.
Half of one side is devoted to the explanation of the warranty. That half measures 2 inches by 2.75 inches and contains this 272-word line of drivel:
George R. Chaby Inc.'s umbrella frames are warranted to be free of defects in material and workmanship in all parts. This warranty does not cover the fabric, case or handle. Nor does the earranty cover damage caused by accident, abuse, or failure to allow the umbrella to dry in the open position.
Should such defect cause this umbrella to fail to operate properly, please return the umbrella to George R. Chaby, Inc., with Two Dollars ($2.00) to cover the cost of shipping and handling along with your original sales receipt. If it is decided by George R. Chaby, Inc., in its sole discretion, that the umbrella is beyond repair, George R. Chaby Inc. shall have the right to replace the umbrella with one of similar value, color and/or print design. Please allow four to six weeks for return. DO NOT return the umbrella to the store from which it was purchased, because the store is not authorized to provide repair services.
LIMITATIONS
Warranty does not cover the fabric, case or handle. Nor does it cover damage caused by accident, abuse or failure to leave open to dry. If our inspection shows damage resulted from any of those causes, we will advise you in advance of cost to repair.This warranty is in lieu of all other warranties and representations expressed or implied, and all other obligations or liabilities on the part of George R. Chaby Inc. Complete information on other side, enclose $2.00 for return postage and handling, umbrella dn original sales receipt, and send to George R. Chaby Inc., 1039-61 North Lawrence Street, Philadelphia, PA 19123
IMPORTANT: LEAVE UMBRELLA OPEN TO DRY
The other side of the card featured a two-line space for me to explain in tiny handwriting just what happened to my umbrella, along with spaces for my name and address, the date of purchase and the store where I bought it.
Shockingly, I was able to fit my explanation into the space provided: "I clicked the open button and it fell apart." I was also able to fit my name and address.
Of course, I filled it out as a joke. I never thought even once about sending my umbrella to Philadelphia, enclosing two dollars, then being told that my umbrella needed something on the order of 20 dollars worth of repairs that were not under warranty for some reason or another. I know how George R. Chaby, Inc., works. I'm no fool.
Except I am. Because after work, I went right back to the 24-hour Duane Reade, then bought another seven-dollar umbrella from exactly the same rack.
I'll be lucky if it lasts the rest of the month.
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